sophrosyne.

First of all, I am sorry for what I am about to write here is not something enthusiastic like how it supposed to be when you do your first post in a new year. This is something more like a reflection or introspection...soul searching.
I want to share what's been going on with me these few years, and I'll do my best not to make it sound too depressing and ruin your new year spirit, hehe..

Every human being is in a journey to find the genuine happiness in their lives. The pursuit of happiness, they say.
Being completely honest, I haven't been genuinely happy for these past few years. It's like you're sick, but you don't know what it is that makes you sick, all you feel is just misery. No matter how great things going in your life, you feel that something is always missing. And it's killing me. So I started my pursuit of happiness.

I tried so many things to heal myself. I tried to talk to other people (including my hubby) about what I've been really feeling, their reactions were all the same...that in their eyes, there is nothing to worry about in my life. If my life is really fine, then why do I feel like I am dying inside. Deep down my heart knows that it is not just fine.
Talking to other people did not help at all. Instead it makes me feel more lonely because only then I realized that not even my husband understands me.

Along these years, I have also practiced the "fake it until you make it" rule. I thought if I appeared happy in front of others, the happy energy would eventually be real if I do it from time to time. It worked for a while, but after that I came back to the miserable hole again when I'm alone.
I have been searching by myself what is it that make me unhappy or happy, I've been trying to find the answer, hoping that if I could determine those two, I could finally be clear of what I should do to fix this miserable situation I've been coping with by myself.
So when the misery kicked in again, I tried different way today. I let myself be completely and comfortably alone at home without any distractions from anything and anyone. I let my mind go crazy and think whatever it wanted to think about. Then I started to break down the things that have been clogging my head all these while.

I thought I am unhappy because of the crisis that my family has been struggling with, or because I didn't achieve some goals, or because some things didn't go as how I carefully planned...but apparently they weren't the case.
So I tried to recall to when I found myself the happiest. And my thoughts went straight to 6 years ago when I came to Melbourne. At first I thought that it is merely because of the place that made me the happiest, but then I went deeper in the memory lane..

In my first years in Melbourne I wasn't loaded with money, I wasn't a person with plans, I was nobody with limited friends, but I was surely genuinely happy. I had my own job, it wasn't something big at all but I earned my own money and I built my own relationships and friendship with people. I lived with my boyfriend (who is now my husband), but we made our own living separately and independently.
And suddenly it hit me, the answer is that. The fact that I wasn't financially dependent on anyone else gave me the ultimate sense of freedom and made me the happiest. That I could make my own choices without compromising. That people got to know and like me solely based on my own being, without having to wear a mask. My life was happily balanced on those first two years in Melbourne. I realized I missed that.

Those were the things that could make me feel alive and very content...and I lost them slowly since we came back to Indo.
In here, people wouldn't be interested to get to know only me without being related to Andre. From Agnes, I became Andre's Agnes...and especially after we got married, I became Andre's wife. I feel like I don't have my own identity, my true self to show.
In the beginning, we decided to make a living together here, not individually.. And I didn't realize that it was a big mistake. Lots of compromising in the photography thingy we do together got me frustrated, so I slowly stepped back and gave full trust on him, and now I am financially dependent on him...and it is bad for me. Soon I will become nobody, really.

Having gone through all those life process, it became clearer to me that what everyone needs or craves to achieve happiness is totally different one from another. What seem ideal for majority of people, might not be even close to ideal for some others.
The best we can do (and what works for me) is pull yourself back from the world for a while, let your mind think clearly of what you really want in life. Try to understand yourself much deeper and find what are the things that can really make you happy. Don't let majority's opinion cloud your own judgement towards what you feel best for you.

All of us have been tricked into thinking that we will be happy if we have money, if we live in a nice house or city, if we have many friends, if we are married, if we have this and that and so on...while the true answer is the other way around.
We can be a success if we are happy, we can love others if we are happy, we can be a good partner if we are happy, we can do and be many things if we are happy. You basically can be a much better person if you are happy. Happiness is the key to everything.
Who you are, where you live, and what situation you are dealing with does not affect your happiness...because happiness is a state of mind. It sounds easy but it's been hard as hell for me to control my very own mind.

As a person, I have changed so much. I am far away from the person I want to become, the person that I once was 6 years ago...the person I love being. Independent free soul who can get along with people with just being herself and does not get affected by anything, with a balance between job and personal life.

Now my number one new year resolution is to go back to that girl I was before. The key is to reach the sophrosyne first..to know what I really want and I would work and shape my way based on that. Change what I must change...attempting to gain back my true happiness.

To some of you who have been experiencing the same awful process like I have, I hope this post can make your burden a little lighter. Be patient to yourself in finding your sophrosyne.

And cheers to the 2015! Let it be the year where you get your true happiness! :)

outfit: H&M turtleneck crop top, Valley Girl coat (old), Charles & Keith bag and belt, New Look boots, Michael Kors watch.